How to Create Your State of Joy

Photo by MI PHAM on Unsplash

A lot of people don’t even reach the level of joy at all. Work to do, bills to pay, chores to do, groceries to buy, cooking, cleaning, and then finally late in the evening a bit time to relax and watch some Netflix. And in between, we do find some time to browse our social feeds and be affected by all opinions and stuff going on in the world.

Some happy life.

A lot of people do experience joy now and then. But it’s easier to count the moments per week than per day.

And I get it. No blame here. Because only a few people have a natural given talent to see the joy in everything. Funny enough, most people that do live that from pure talent, we call mentally disabled.

Most people in their adult life have unlearned to be in the natural state of joy.

But don’t get me wrong, everybody can re-learn that skill to feel joy more often. Because that’s what it is. A skill.

We all have the talent for it. We’re born with it. The only goal of any baby is to experience joy. And he’ll let you know, very loudly, when he’s not… give him what he wants, and he’s back in the state of joy.

The older we get, the more we face reality, that it doesn’t work anymore to just start crying or becoming angry. Actually, it’s the opposite. Things often only get worse when we’re staying in that state.

The negative state doesn’t help, we all know that. Maybe for a short period, to ‘let it all out’, but then, so we’ve learned each other, it’s time for action. Face reality and make it work. Right?

So we do. We make our homework. We get a job, and slowly we’re growing into a habit of going through the day doing things that ‘make it happen’.

The trap of comparison

Since we followed the socially accepted protocol (how that started is a whole other topic), go to school, study, build your career and start a family and, conform to what’s expected from us, we end up in jobs we don’t like, relationships that don’t work, spending most of our times doing things opposite of creating joy.

Actually, we often feel jealous of the people who do seem to live like that.

People who seems to have it all. We see them passing by on our social feeds every day. She’s at the tropical beach while you just freeze your hands off coming from work on your old bicycle. He’s at his penthouse in Dubai, while you just walked three stairs up in your cheap 2 room rental apartment. They show their love at a romantic dinner while you just had another microwave meal. Alone.

Being jealous doesn’t help in your feeling of joy. And I get it when the reality you are facing also isn’t giving you any joy. Especially when you compare yourself with someone who seems to have it better than you.

Well, like my late grandmother once told me: “Don’t compare. But if you do, do it with people who have less than you and you’ll never be unhappy.”

So start with that. Don’t compare. Everyone is living their life as they do and it’s not a competition. Be content with what you do have.

The moment you do that, your first step to joy is made.

Why negative emotions don’t help you face reality.

Diagram that shows a connection between thinking and feeling, that leads to action and that leads to results, that then becomes a reflection to start thinking and feeling again.
Diagram by www.masteryourpersonality.com

The reason is that focusing on the negative keeps us thinking negatively. And what you think influences what you feel and what you feel influences what you think. And from that state, you decide your actions.

So doing this from a negative point of view, you can never create actions that put you in a state of abundance, of joy. Because there is no logic in that.

It’s not how our brain works. We think logical thoughts that follow up on the state of mind we have. Even to a more extreme you might recognize this, that when you’re in a bad mood and someone makes the comment: “Ah well, just think happy thoughts!” You are more likely to punch him in the face than to follow his advice.

Because it’s not your state.

So how do you change that state then?

Well, first you need to be aware of your negative state or mood. That is when you can take over control and not let that state dictate your thoughts. So recognize it, and accept it as it is. No judgment, no contentment, just acceptance. “Okay. I feel like shit now.”

The feeling you’re then feeling is nothing more than a sign that you are on to something you do not want.

That’s an important discovery. You may say, “yeah, duh, of course, this is something I don’t want.” And I say “good, then what do you want?”

By knowing what you don’t want, you are better able to decide what you do want.

But be aware, that whatever you say (or think) you do want, comes from a place of not having it.

So no matter how often you think about what you do want, your body, your feelings, and your inner voice will keep repeating: yes, but you don’t have it and that sucks.

You want the feeling to join the thinking, remember? They’re a closed-loop that feed on each other.

So the real question is Why you want it. And the real answer is not to fill up what you don’t have. Because there’s more to that story.

Maybe you want more money because you want to be able to pay all the bills. Because you want to live a life of prosperity (whatever that means to you in dollars). Because you want to feel the freedom to do whatever you want.

Maybe you want a loving relationship not to feel accepted or loved, but you want to give love and have joyful moments with someone special.

So the common denominator in all this is that what you want is coming from a feeling of abundance and joy. Not from scarcity and a negative concept like jealousy, anger, or fear.

And I know, trust me, I know, this is hard when reality keeps showing you what you don’t have but what you do want to have. Need to have!

But again, positivity can not be created from scarcity and negativity. It’s not logical.

Better or worse?

So step by step you can look at your thoughts. And a great technique is writing them down.

Write down the dominant thought you have. Then write down the next thought that comes up and label it as ‘better’ or ‘worse’. And then another. Better or worse? And another. And another. And so on.

Keep going until you have at least 3 to 5 (or more if you want) stacks of ‘better’. You’re detouring your thoughts to a more positive gateway. In order to create the right positive thoughts that will lead you to the desire you have, the thoughts and feelings that go with that desire. Then you can start letting in the ideas to create the actions you want to take.

Because that, the actions you take, lead to certain results. Either done by you or done for you.

By doing this every time you feel stuck in a negative thought spiral, you will be able to feel more often joy than just twice a week by accident.

It’s a skill you’ve got talent for. So practice it and your life will change for the better.

It’s that simple.

What’s next?

Well, I get it that it may sound simple, but doing it is not easy. Especially when you have to do it on your own. So, I want to invite you to not do it alone and let me help you. To do so, the only thing I ask you to do, is click this link and set a date and time that suits you, for us to talk. So we can discover in this call (it’s on me) how I would be able to help you.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Maurice Zondag

Maurice Zondag

I help men create their desired life as a certified Life Success Coach and LoA Coach. I love sharing ideas on how you can improve your life. Follow me for more